Extendo Claw-Hand

Twin Peaks + Silent Hill + GTA3 = ?

2010-05-23T14:36:00.000-06:00

My sister told me about this game called "Deadly Premonition." Although the cover of it looks like some gruesome scene out of Resident Evil or somesuch, it's apparently closer to an adventure-game type thing. A really surreal adventure-game type thing. This made me think about why there isn't more surrealism in video games. I guess people are only just starting to think of games as an artistic medium, and surrealism doesn't exactly lead to commercial success. I think it's pretty cool, or at least amusing.

The FBI agent you play also talks to his invisible friend named Zach.

Apologies to you if you're a gun'sbraster

2010-03-01T11:01:00.005-07:00

I was in my Japanese class when we got on the topic of gun control laws. (My teacher is the token liberal professor at BYU, and he favors tighter gun control laws. It didn't have much to do with Japanese.) One student said "Well, maybe a lot of Church members think guns are a good thing because they were important to us historically when we were being persecuted." Another said "It might also have to do with geographic areas." I tend to lean left, and since most of BYU, and by extension my class, is pretty conservative when it comes to the right to bear arms, I started to wonder what would be the most inflammatory thing I could say. I didn't end up actually contributing much to the conversation because I started giggling like a schoolgirl, but I immediately came up with "Maybe it's because of repressed sexuality." (Frankly, it wouldn't surprise me if that were the case for a lot of people who like guns.) Then later the potentially more inflammatory thought of "Maybe it's because of repressed homoerotic urges." Then as I was biking home, "I know! Maybe we could classify gun ownership as a paraphilia!"

See, it'd be really funny if I said these things out loud in a classroom full of gun nuts. Right? You yourself can try them at home or on the job.

half-visible, half-baked, half-naked

2009-11-18T12:22:00.003-07:00

In my Environmental Biology class today, we watched a bideo about climate change 'n' stuff. It was kind of America-bashing, because of our culture of excess. We've got ridiculous amounts of wealth in this country--people spend more money watering their lawns than India's government collects in income tax--but all we can think about is getting more. It's as if there was some machine saying "consume...consume..." in our rooms as we sleep, like "remember...remember..." from Flowers for Algernon. Well, maybe we need a new cultural mantra? I thought about it a bit and for some reason, this really struck me. "Hey, people are obsessed with getting more for its own sake. Our world economy more or less depends on it. What if we changed that to innovation for its own sake? Money would still get spent, and stuff would still get made." I guess the reason this hit me so hard is because a)I have never taken an economics class and b)I think a change like that in the national character appeals to me, who favors individualism(which engenders innovation) in most cases over collectivism (which engenders keeping up with the Joneses and blind following of trends and routines).

I haven't really thought this through, but it made me think "I should start doing more innovation. And encourage others to do same."

...what

2009-08-25T12:25:00.001-06:00

Would you buy this video game? I would then say I didn't.

(expletive deleted)

2009-02-25T14:11:00.003-07:00

I like creative things. Lately I've been hooked on the website tvtropes.org, which is about more than simply television, and it makes me want to do many creative things! In fact, it kind of makes me want to write fiction. But what medium should I use: film, television, literature, songs, comics, video games, live performance?
At any rate, this is me trying to think of what sort of legacy I want to leave as a human being, but as for you, reader (possibly readers?), I suggest going to the website. It's fun.

"Hey Ladies Fans"

2009-02-09T22:23:00.004-07:00

I'm feeling good-o. Over the last month or so I've found that physical activity is ridiculously, ridiculously good for my mental health.

The title of this post is the title of an Ill Mitch track. I tried to look Ill Mitch up on Wikipedia, but apparently the closest article is "The Sexorcist." Uhh, right.

Here's another installment of "Why Does This Song Affect Me Like This?": I just listened to "Waterslides" by the Aquabats, and I guess I've tied it to certain emotions and times of my life...It makes me feel somewhere between pensive and nostalgic, if that's possible at 23 years old. At any rate, it's really a pretty song and somewhat of a departure from the rest of the Aquabats' oeuvre. Listen!

To bring this full-circle, I also like the song "Hello, Goodnight" by the same band. I just read on a website that: "Whenever I saw them live, before they played this one, MC Bat Commander started saying how if you're really depressed to just call somebody, anybody, that it'd be alright."

I really like the Aquabats, largely because they strike me as decent people. What other bands are like this?

What?

2009-01-05T21:56:00.005-07:00

My mind goes in odd directions sometimes. Over the break, I had a lot of free time and "nothing" to do. So I would have some days where I didn't even get out of the house, which led to a general, not-easily-put-into-words sense of dissatisfaction with myself/what I've become/what I'm doing. This was a hard problem to solve, but today I started thinking about my married brother, and how he and his wife have been caring for their newborn and not really getting out and about. I had been thinking that maybe I was disappointed because I wasn't being social, but my brother and his family haven't been doing much of what I'd call "social" in the normal sense. So I revised my opinion into "You need to make somebody happy." This sounds really people-pleasing and unhealthy to my ears, so maybe I should revise it again to "You need to show love for somebody."

Unfortunately, now my brain has started asking me to fill in the blank: "If you show love for somebody, then finally you will __________."

I think the only thing stopping me from being an emo kid is that my mind likes to be more confusing than straightforward when I'm having issues. ...Also, I'm not skinny enough, and I'm too lazy to grab any Dashboard Confessional or whatever is emo right now.

(P.S.: I wrote one time in my journal about an emo-lookin' kid in the college concert band I played with right after high school. He bleached his hair or wore a different sweater or something, so I wrote that he went from "sensitive black" to "weepy orange." It occurs to me now that these would be possible "threat level" colors if Michael Chertoff (yes, I had to look his name up) went emo.)

(P.P.S.: The emo kid played euphonium, or "emo-nium.")

A treasure

2008-11-17T09:41:00.005-07:00

ooooo.

Destroy!

2008-11-08T23:49:00.005-07:00

I put up another comic. I noticed that I've only put up five (I think?) comics since I started my stripgenerator account. I don't think it's for lack of ideas; I think it has more to do with the fact that I go through this kind of Choose Your Own Adventure thing with each idea.

If you DECIDE TO WRITE A SONG ABOUT THE IDEA, turn to page 65.

If you WRITE A COMIC STRIP AND FORGET TO TELL ANYBODY, turn to page 24.

If you ARE ONLY GOING TO BLOG ABOUT IT EVEN THOUGH THAT'S KINDA BORING MAYBE, turn to page 112.

If you TRY TO BRING IT UP IN CONVERSATION SO AS TO IMPRESS AN ATTRACTIVE WOMAN-TYPE, stop reading Choose Your Own Adventure, dude--it STARTED being uncool in fourth grade.

If you PAINT A PICTURE OF THE IDEA, learn how to art first, duh. (P.S.: Can you place the "duh" in that clause anywhere else besides the end? "...learn how to art, duh, first." "learn how to, duh, split infinitives.")

If you BLOW IT OFF AND PLAY VIDEO GAMES INSTEAD, turn to page 32 for the umpteenth time.

destroy

2008-11-08T21:36:00.002-07:00

I played this video game recently. To be completely honest, the reason I actually played it all the way through will be clear to anybody who watches 4:30 to about 6:20 and 8:10 to about 9:40 of this video. Again, oh my gaaaashh.

Also, I got a free synth today wooooo

Challenge and fighting

2008-11-06T22:11:00.004-07:00

Item the first. The best thing to do when people hand you a flier with the expectation that you'll take it is to take it without looking at them, barely reacting at all besides grabbing it. Then wad it up and stick it in your mouth. Disappear around the corner. (This item is not based on something I did. I promise.)

Item the second. Do you know how people often find their phrase du jour and won't stop using it? For example, overuse of "awesome!" or "need more cowbell." Yeah, it's really annoying and everybody who does such a thing should be shot.

Mine is replacing "is it" with "it is" and vice versa. Maybe you'll like it too!

Destroy

2008-10-22T09:57:00.003-06:00

I'm trying an experiment today. "What will happen," said I, "if I stare directly into the souls of the people I walk past today via their eyes?" Well, not too much. I feel mighty, though, because like nobody is brave enough to meet my gaze, even for a split second. NOBODY!!

What experiments do you try, friends?

Also, I've noticed that if I want human contact, most people aren't going to contact me, so I have to initiate everything. This is something I've noted before, and I've accepted it as my lot in life that I'm not the charismatic leader-type, but the notion's been really reinforced lately and it irritates me, making me take out my anger by giving passerby the EVIL EYE, I guess.

However! On the first of November, the band I joined will be performing at a sandwich shop...or I guess they have a more concert hall-type thing next door. Sammy's! In Provo! Be there, aloha.

Destroy.

2008-09-29T09:51:00.008-06:00

broseph (the original, from Anchorman)
bro-ham (from Reaper, I think)
brotein
brokaryote (prokaryote; from Ben)
brosephine
brophy (This one actually means "when your brother gets a trophy." From MST3K: "Being from Another Planet.")
broton
jet bropulsion
brofessional athlete
rock 'n' broll
brolo contendere
hybroelectric dam
Broldplay
goin' brostal
Higgs broson
hyperbrole
brobal warming
Ebrola
isobropyl alcohol
Broastal Chill
"Is the Brope Catholic?"

I guess I better pay attention in my GIS class now.

Your song made me say naughty things!

2008-09-22T19:05:00.002-06:00

Speaking of "strip," I finally put another one on my Stripgenerator page. I think I'll do another one pretty soon, too.

You always fall for what you desire or what you fear

2008-09-15T13:18:00.002-06:00

I was walking on campus and listening to "The Well and the Lighthouse." About the time this line came up, I nearly started to weep.

I want to write music so beautiful that it affects me on that visceral, subconscious level. How?

Also, for sir and madame's consideration

2008-08-19T18:29:00.002-06:00

So, last Saturday Andy and I recorded some sweet beats. We wrote, arranged, recorded, and mixed a song in about three hours, which I think is pretty sweet. Listen to "Ashamed of My Game Show" and many other things at his imeem dealie! I'll put the lyrics below because a) it's hard to understand it in the mix and b) I feel like it.

(p.s.: my car broke down, and I didn't get a job. We in the business call this "acquiring songwriting material through life experience." Also, my dog died and my wife turned out to be a killbot.)

"Ashamed of My Game Show" by Prof. Nick Clark and Andy Myers, Attorney at Law
I'm afraid to show my face
My producers called it the national disgrace
Both viewers say "Cut your greasy hair!"
The female guests have to face my inappropriate stare

I'm ashamed of my game show...

I left my wife for my assistant, Denise ("There's no Denise!")
And she left me for some kinda lobster-beast
The prizes cause Lyme disease and Epstein-Barr
And the losers get trapped behind a brick wall

(chorus, including my favorite falsetto backup vocal from Andy, "His game show is a game shame!")

Our money goes to a charity
That takes poor children's lunch money
But for some reason I don't understand
It's huge in Europe, or maybe Japan

Tanks for the memories!

2008-08-18T23:08:00.002-06:00

Thanks to the help of the powerful Genuine, I now have a Stripgenerator dealie. Go to it!!!
GO TO IT!!!! Maybe not immediately, though. I only have one strip up.

Thank you, Superman, for teaching us to love...again

2008-08-12T19:11:00.001-06:00

Not a comic.

2008-07-18T20:36:00.007-06:00

It has come to my attention that I'm moist. Frankly, I don't recall ever being this knowingly moist, perhaps with the exception of the summers I spent in Japan. And when I covered my entire body in flour, yeast and secret hobo spices, it only made things worse as people tried to smother me in gravy, Texas style. Also, the a/c in my aparrrto doesn't really work. Ain't that a drag? Not a J. Edgar Hoover kinda drag, but more of a "I'm going to dump your books and drag you through the mud after gym class, twerp!" kind of drag.

Item!: I cannot tell a lie. My roommates are kinda slobby. As a result, I spend my days fantasizing about how they will someday do their own dishes or at least not culture anthrax and Clostridium botulinum in the half-full bowls they leave around. This is different from my usual fantasies, which, interestingly, also involve flour, yeast and secret hobo spices. (Gross!!) Anyways, sometimes I think about real passive-aggressive ways to handle the problems. I thought I was being really original when I came up with the idea of placing dirty dishes on the bed of he who dirtied them, but this concept apparently originated with the concurrent work of Newton and Leibniz. Thanks for making me creative, MFG 202.

I move back to Orem next month, children. It's been fun living among the bunglers of the urban...ish jungle of Provo, but I think it's time to cut costs and play more Guitar Hero III, so back to Mom's it is!

Update: I forgot to use the word "hobotomy" in this post. I'm truly sorry, everyone.

The continuation!!

2008-06-18T21:38:00.004-06:00

I apologize for the explicit violence and frank depictions of sexuality in these next two, entitled "Hired!" and "Hired! Part 2."

P.S.: These are a little old (I drew and wrote them a few weeks ago), and they look weird to me now. Ah, whatever.

First appearance of teeth! And shrugging!

2008-05-02T22:20:00.004-06:00

There will be a continuation of this. Oh yes, there will be. ...a continuation of this.

I like this way better.

2008-04-20T22:29:00.005-06:00

Numba one.

2008-04-20T21:13:00.002-06:00

More (and better) later, I think. This was made with my sister's tablet and Photoshop!! No scanning!!!

Two things.

2008-04-15T11:13:00.003-06:00

A: My philosophy of religion teacher showed this today as part of our last class period. Sweet.

B: I will be playing in the Jazz Combos Concert tonight at 7:30 in the hfac, so if any of you could come, it would mean a lot to me.

3: Don't hassle me on the comics. They're being developed...or should I say, harvested from the ocean floor?

To web, or not to comic?

2008-03-10T13:41:00.003-06:00

So for a while, I've thought I'd like to try my hand at making a webcomic. It just seems like something that people should try to do before they die. Anyways, I got a few ideas about characters, setting, cheesy gimmicks and so forth, but should I pollute the internet with my crude drawings (not to say that I'm a good comic writer, but that my drawings, rather worse, are classifiable as "caveman-influenced") that 50% of people won't understand, 20% will be offended by, and 5% will see as religious signs and proof of my worship-worthiness? Actually, I like those odds. But what do you think?

Let's swing a mattock and strike pay dirt.

2008-02-20T17:27:00.004-07:00

So a few things have become somewhat clearer to me lately.

One is that Mormon theology is really anticreedal, which rankles plenty of people in the classical Christian world. Or rather, critics of the Church tend to think that we hold onto obscure statements that reveal prejudices of prophets, as well as a few less-obscure ones, as creed or doctrine. Turns out this isn't true. Brigham Young had his share of wacky statements, plenty of which I disagree with, a few vehemently. Even though his fiery temperament would lead him to use rhetoric devices that usually frame prophecy and statements of doctrine ("Thus saith the Lord," etc.), only that which is found in the standard works or accepted by the Twelve and the body of the Church upon the President of the Church revealing it. So no matter what Brigham Young says after "The word of the Lord is...", if it isn't taught in the scriptures, if it isn't approved by the entire Twelve, it isn't doctrine. We don't care nearly as much about orthodoxy (with a small core of notable exceptions comprising what the missionaries teach) as we do about orthopraxy. Does it matter if I believe that God is the "master chess player," his omniscience being the result of perfect prediction rather than extensive definite foreknowledge? Does it matter if I think that the black race is inferior (which I don't), so long as I still practice charity toward them? Does it matter if I think that I'll receive a squadron of additional wives upon exaltation? Nope. The Church isn't some Orwellian construct that controls the thoughts of its members, no matter how repulsive, but it does reserve the right to discipline members based on their actions. ...What was my point? Oh yeah, creeds. Except for a relatively small number of things, nobody must believe anything in the Church. So I keep this in mind when I hear things that Brigham Young, Bruce McConkie, or even Joseph Smith said that seem contradictory to the doctrines I know: they were fallible men like the prophets and apostles of the Bible. Does this make them liars? Sure, if you mean "somebody who has lied before"; try to find two people who have never lied, intentionally or otherwise. They make mistakes, they voice opinions as fact, but that doesn't make the Church a mistake.

Also, speaking of mistakes, what happens if a couple divorces? Was the marriage a mistake from the beginning? Few people would vocalize this, but my own experience is that such an irrational belief could worm its way into the subconscious of somebody who comes from a broken home. And let's face it: irrational beliefs are the hardest ones to break, particularly if we want to condemn somebody else as being the "cause" of the precipitating event. So, in talking with somebody recently, I brought this up; and my belief was smashed by an emotionally-charged idea (in other words, an irrational solution to an irrational problem).

Was the marriage that ended in divorce a mistake from the beginning?

Then, how could the mistake be avoided? Not marrying at all? Murder?

Barring those two options, let's say that you enter into the marriage despite it being a mistake by virtue of its eventual end. You move in together and have many happy times, at least for a week (let's say it's a typical marriage in Hollywood). What if you have a child? What if you have children? Are they mistakes?

Am I a mistake?

I sure hope not.

Nintendo power!

2007-12-11T10:43:00.001-07:00

So...I notice that some of my fellow bloggers like to write for the sake of expressing emotion, or reaching out to others, even creating a beautiful work of art.
Me, I make stupid jokes. And as of right now, upload silly images!

uhhh

2007-12-08T16:31:00.000-07:00

I've got a weird relationship with one of my sisters. She's taking a nap on the couch as an episode of MST3000 is playing on the TV. My response to this setup? I must go quietly over, careful not to wake her up, and sit on the couch. Yes, the same couch. It just so happens that she will be an intermediary.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, if I treat you like this too(in other words, like a silly younger brother), you're not alone.

And now, commence hi-keeba!!!

2007-11-14T22:32:00.000-07:00

Mainly I wanted to write a post for the sake of the title.

A friend of mine recently told me that life had taken a turn for the worse. Actually, several thousand turns. I don't know any of the details--I guess it has to do with a relationship--but all I could really say was "If you need a hug or, better yet, a cheesy joke, give me a jingle." Well, folks, what else can be done?

As always, "We Kill Everything"

2007-11-05T21:34:00.000-07:00

I've decided that Chem 106 burns my soul. It pains me to complain about how hard it is when I see all these snot-nosed little punks (in other words, underclassmen) also complaining, but man. I thought I was half-done with my homework assignment when I woke up this morning, but it took an additional three hours. At least I'll regain my left-brained-ness by the end of the semester, or die trying. And when I'm done doing that, I'll refine my Olympic Nuclear Suplex technique or die trying.

New idea for an action/adventure TV show when "Cavemen" gets canceled: "VCR Nomad." I'll star, if that's okay, and I'll be a wandering VCR repairman who fights crime and teaches people in small towns about themselves. It'll be Middle America's answer to "Heroes," if I can define myself as Middle America, and perhaps it will be more of the heart than of the head. I'll travel from coast to coast, battling my demons and mysterious past. Plus I'll have a rocket launcher!!!

I think now that I have lost my respect for people's property. I'm writing on somebody else's computer, and I haven't seen that somebody in a while. Betcha can't guess who. That is, "bet you can? not guess, who." (Is it just me, or does it look like a palindrome with that punctuation?)

I told everybody at ward prayer last night that I believed the five iron I happened to be holding "grants me mystical powers." Gimmicky! I am filled with shame.

By popular request and the power of Greyskull

2007-09-19T15:51:00.001-06:00

Been a while, eh!? I have but little time as I must go home and eating. But first, I would like to say that every time you think about cutting corners in your classes, this man frowns at you:

(Does anybody know who this person is?)

I'm happy, for you see, I've finally gotten a chance to rock out with the public. That's right, me and two friends is gonna play at a birthday party on Friday, and so long as we don't get pneumonia or bonus eruptus (a serious disease where the skeleton jumps out of the body), it'll be way awesome. I'll probably record it in some way, so that my posterity will know of my ability to lay down a solid groove.

I am the possessor of an Indiana Jones lunchbox. The fact that I've never really seen the movies doesn't deter anybody and everybody from saying "hey cool lunchbox dood!! hyuk hyuk hyuk!!" Personally, I wish they wouldn't. Is not a man greater than his lunchbox? And if we must compare the relative value of a man's possessions to the man himself, they could say "I like your stupid shirt that says 'World's Greatest Grandpa,' loser!"

Actually, they shouldn't say that either.

Slob Mode activated!

2007-08-03T23:44:00.000-06:00

I wrote a new song. Woo! It's based on how I don't have any energy when I wake up, and oftentimes I decide to loosen my belt and not shower and... hey, you're guilty too; I can see it in your eyes! Anyways, it's called "Slob Mode" and should be rockin'. It isn't disco rock, nor is it "chaos punk," but it's kind of nice-sounding rock. (That's vague, semi-purposefully.)

I haven't written anything new on the blog in a while. This is because I've been too busy feasting on giant spider corpses and ...quiche. (At least one of these is a lie. Can you tell which one?)

Wizard needs haircut, badly.

Wizard needs food badly

2007-07-19T21:47:00.000-06:00

A. Once upon a time, I rather liked Dilbert. I thought it was generally pretty funny and even applicable to me, who had never inhabited a cubicle. Yet slowly, like the, uh..."rainy miasma that darkens my soul," a haze of lousiness crept over it and made it not-funny.
Likewise, I recently watched via YouTube part of a recent Simpsons episode. For ten long minutes I stared at the screen, having little else to do. The animation was pretty good; I don't usually notice such things, but it's as good as it's ever been. The voice actors were familiar and I felt like I should laugh. However, IT WAS AS FUNNY AS A WEEKEND TRAVEL PACKAGE TO THE GULAG. Anyways, my point is that things deteriorate.
But not always. MST3K managed to stay funny until the end, probably thanks a lot to Mike Nelson. Futurama? Heck yeah. I haven't seen an unfunny episode of Space Ghost, though I have seen plenty that are outright malicious toward the viewer. And to complement Dilbert, we have the excellent Calvin and Hobbes.
Maybe the constant theme is that of dropping out or getting canceled before you grow stale.

2. Having listened to some songs recently (namely, "Take Me Out" by Franz Ferdinand and "At Least I'm Not Like All Those Other Old Guys" by Five Iron Frenzy), I suddenly have a burning desire to write a bunch of music that combines disco beats with rock vocals and guitars. This, friends, would most likely be awesome.
Is there any other examples like this? First off, I'd like to listen to more of this stuff, and also I don't want to make the raddest record in the world, then look in the papers and see that everybody's already jumped on the disco rock bandwagon.

3. I'm going to Las Vegas tomorrow. It's been a while since I last went, so I'm kind of excited. It's good to see my dad, anyways; I don't like the city itself that much.
I love all of you. Except Murray.

It's not unusual...

2007-07-05T21:18:00.000-06:00

So uh, how's everybody doing? I have a Tom Jones song (or rather, a cover by Five Iron Frenzy) in my head right now...This is cause for rejoicing.

I just finished Catcher in the Rye today, so I'm whiny and unfocused like Holden Caulfield. This brings me to my next point: I knew a fellow who would often wear an MIT sweater. He wasn't Mormon, or even Christian (I think), so it irked him somewhat when people asked him if it meant "Missionary In Training." In my imagination, it's always some gray-haired patriarchal type guy that asks this, pretty close to retirement from his high-powered company where he meets with high-powered clients to discuss high-powered business deals over high-powered lunch. Despite bein' 60ish, though, he's got some booming voice and always dresses sharply, even when he jogs.

Anyways (not to take attention away from Father Abraham), I later learned that MIT sweater fella was gay. Uh, is gay. So, to use my amazing logic powers, wearing an MIT sweater means you're gay. Everybody at MIT wears MIT sweaters. Therefore, everybody at MIT is gay. So it's good that I didn't get accepted there!!!! Because I'm homophobic!!!!

In other news, I saw my good friend Genghis Khan yesterday. He just got back from his mission; were he to wear something that said MIT on it, it really would have meant "Missionary In Training." He's just as I remember him, though; he hasn't changed much since 5th grade, when we first became friends. I guess nobody changes too much, but rather they grow. And grow he has.

Have I grown? It's been six months and change* since I returned from my own mission. And six months ago, I would have unequivocally said "Yeaaaaaaahhh!!!" But now I'm not so sure; I have to wonder if I have regressed a bit. For one thing, I tried to make myself a lot more emotionally open and honest, particularly when I was about to return. However, somehow or other I've thrown up my walls, and it's difficult to communicate again. At least I've figured some stuff out, and figuring some stuff out is fifty percent of the conflict!!!! Wahahaha!

Thank you for your read my rambling blog entry.

P.S.: I hope somebody's computer gets fixed way soon.

*Specifically, $47.59.

Things are going well. Thighs are also going well.

2007-06-28T23:20:00.000-06:00

Car update since I sure haven't told anything about it!!! At all!! My car, sweet, virtuous MacGyver, has suffered a grave injury to the main gasket. In other words, everything is wrong with it now, and I have to offer my first-born child* to the mechanic to even get him to try and fix it. Luckily, I've pried enough cash from the filthy clutches of my company to be able to pay for repairs and trade it in for something else. In other words, drinks all around! Or rather, ...aw heck, drinks all around! I'm probably going to be getting much the same car. Four door little thing with A/C and CD (but not an AC/DC) player, good gas mileage, and strong cheekbones. It doesn't need to be the most powerful thing in the world, so long as it can contain my winning personality! Does anybody have any advice or suggestions? I'm new to the high-stakes and high-danger world of used car sales, and I don't want to run afoul of dealerships with hordes of slope-faced thugs and overflowing secret graveyards.

I would write more but a Japanese lady stole my soul with a 30-minute phone call. Gahh!!!

But otherwise thighs are going well.

* Given my first-born is half-baby half-gold. I can accomplish this by either marrying a solid block of gold OR walking up to some random woman with gold bullion (not boullion) and saying "Hey toots, wanna make a baby? ...from gold, of course? Look, I have the sculptor's tools right here and...oh come on, can't we agree to disagree about the semantic ambiguity of that phrase? I contend that 'to the pure, all things are pure' and that 'make,' as a word, has a richer, broader history in describing creative production into ordered existence than it does as a euphemism for procreation. Granted, the tone and body language of the speaker are also important, yet I believe that my delivery, though somewhat awkward and frankly chilling, should not completely hide my good intentions..."

The kettle is a regular Billy Dee Williams

2007-06-21T20:56:00.000-06:00

I made the mistake of falling asleep on the couch last night. Maybe this has something to do with my feelings of silent desperation and hockey hair. (No, I don't have feelings of hockey hair. I got in enough trouble from feeling Mr. T's hair.)

Some of you may appreciate this, which I briefly mentioned at a Happy Pirates practice some time ago: Pay particular attention to elements T and Tv.

Let's questioning. What does everybody do when, even though everything is outwardly going well, you feel like you need to unleash a Mighty Headbutt (tm) on the world? I have this feeling of unfulfilled-ness and discontent despite all the cool stuff that's going on. Maybe it's a midlife crisis. Maybe I just need to throw a brick through somebody's window. Could it be yours? Eh, I'll settle for mine.

I'll change the mood from self-pity and try not to make it saccharin: "I know that I'm not alone / The treasure of my heart is calling on the telephone / I've got my friends around me, they don't seem to hate me yet / My family lends me cash and they're not strict about the debt." I like rock 'n' roll bands that can package a real good message in a reasonably weird ...uhh, package. Pain is one of those bands, and I wish I could write like that. I guess I have written like this a little bit, with my ill-fated song "VCR Nomad." But Pain makes it seem effortless to talk about drawing half-boy half-rhinoceri and apply it to our own lives without hammering the idea into my skull.

Happy Pirates was good-like. My mind decided to tell me "Hey, you totally had an off night!", which may be true, but it does no good to dwell on it. So I punished my mind by drinking a few gallons of Drano. Sure, it maybe caused some serious liver damage, but to that I say "acceptable losses!" The next time you see me, I'll likely be a lovely golden color. If any of you try to pan for me, though, I'll likely find it highly inappropriate. Or, I don't know, mildly amusing, depending on who you are.

I felt the power of the PHANTOM MULLET today.

She got distracted in the meat department...

2007-06-07T23:42:00.000-06:00

I don't have too much to say other than a) some things are just awesome b) other things are jawesome, as W.S.M. has reminded me c) you can dance if you want to; you can leave your friends behind.

There was originally a bit more of my half-baked philosophizing here, but suffice it to say that the good in my life is drowning out the bad. Or, as I like to envision, clubbing it in its shins and using, I don't know, the Jumping Jack Attack to go in for the kill.

The giant robot: he is my friend

2007-05-31T22:32:00.001-06:00

It has come to the attention of me and my associates (well, me, anyways) that a certain girl with "shapely legs" is going to be the subject of this entry. Let's call her Mrs. Dalloway.

Usually I can set pen to keyboard and come up with something passable for this blog. (The IT guys at work keep saying "don't spill ink on your computer anymore, doofus!") However, I can't seem to come up with anything worthwhile to write about, so I'll meta-write about how when I think Mrs. Dalloway (or whoever) is expecting me to write something awesome, I can't do anything at all! Heck, I'm not even breathing right now!

In spite of you silly beasts, I'll continue breathing. Okay, so I've developed a capacity for caring less about what people think over the past year or so. This is in accordance with a certain resilient quality that I admire in some people; I call them "likeable jerks." I decided to skip the "likeable" part and go straight for "jerk," with mixed results. At any rate, I generally assume that if I turn off my usual over-concern for others, I'll be able to do better, which is best for them in the long run.

Now I have to decide: how do I put in the "likeable" part? Sometimes I make myself the sidekick of somebody who has a higher Charisma score than I do. (Wahaha!) Other times I duct-tape kittens to myself so that people who naturally like kittens will gravitate to me. But I think being likeable has a lot more to do with a) liking yourself b) sincerely seeing the good in others and c) strong cheek bones. Heck, I may as well add d)ability to do Dim Mak Death Touch and e) butter, lots of butter.

Discuss what "likeable" means. Then what "jerk" means, only occasionally drifting to the meaning in "jerk chicken."
Some other people have suggested that items such as "a grandfather clock" and "an electronic Japanese-English dictionary" are also helpful to likeability. Can you think of more?

Good night, everybody; enjoy the buffet.

I'm reading behind a blog around a bunch during inappropriate prepositions

2007-05-24T22:28:00.001-06:00

Just in case a sudden influx of visitors comes to my blog any time soon, I feel that I should put something important up here. Something to catch the eye, and yet also something to provoke thought and perhaps advancement towards liberty, fraternity and equality. I dare say that this message will finally unite all humankind in harmony!

And here's the message: "He's single, ladies!" I guess my "engagement" of two posts ago has already fallen through. Whatever.

On a related note, my homey Exoth and I have decided that I should start a betting pool as to when I would get a girlfriend. Takers? Ah, I guess I wouldn't be allowed to know who was betting. However, if you're an attractive young lady in every sense of the word, feel free to get "personally involved" in your investment!!

Again, I end my communique with a hearty "Wahaha!"

Friend/associate theory

2007-05-17T21:46:00.000-06:00

I should preface this by saying I don't always use this way of thinking. It's fairly realistic but also takes a rather naturalistic, Nietzsche-esque view of human nature, which I don't always like. Anyways, what am I talking about? Oh yeah, the promised "friend" vs. "associate" theory.

I first heard this from a psychologist, but it sounded more like something he learned through his own experience than the ideas of philosophers or scientists. He told me that with very few exceptions, people do things for other people, even in a warm relationship, in hopes of gaining something in return. Only the likes of parents and spouses will be so committed that they will show kindness in spite of no physical, social or emotional reward. And that means absolutely no reward.

He gave the example of a woman who bought a pair of pants for her grandson. The grandson was somewhat of a delinquent, being at a ranch for troubled teens, and he threw away the less-than-stylish pants. When the woman came to visit, she naturally asked about the pants; the boy cooked up some story about how they got stolen--fairly believable at this ranch.

What is the problem with this example? First, the grandson is controlled by his fear of disappointing his grandmother so much that he doesn't care about being honest with her. But another rather obscure problem is the motive for the woman giving him the pants in the first place. Is it love, going by the "thought of no reward" definition? If it is, why did the woman care whether he wore it? She wanted validation from the child, and supposed she'd get it by buying something for him. She isn't his "friend," so to speak, but rather they are "associates."

I thought of this as rather interesting to say the least. I was halfway killing myself trying to bust myself up to "friend" level with every last person. Invariably, I'd fail on my end and feel guilty about not being selfless and loving enough. Also invariably, people would ignore me or do something not "friend"-like* and shatter my expectations into a lifeless blob. (I'm not sure how expectations, being brittle, would turn into a blob, but they do.) Once I realized the true nature of my relationships with "associates," though, things became much easier. I hate to say it, but lowering my expectations works really good!

Anyways, my point is not that people are jerks (though they are, if you ask me or famed hair metal musician David Coverdale of the 80s band Whitesnake). It's okay to be only associates with most people. We should be thoughtful, nice, giving, and charitable, but maybe we should show true devotion to a select few.

So this all begs the question: which of you are my true "friends," and which of you are mere "associates?" I won't lie to you: Every last one of you are "friends." *wink*

*The words "not 'friend'-like" and "unfriendly" are different. Very different!

Titled CXLV

2007-05-17T12:08:00.000-06:00

I've been through about a hundred different versions of this in my head, and I can't think of a clever or lyrical way to put this, so I'm just going to say it the way I announced it to the family tonight.

We're engaged. And I couldn't be happier.

Strobe lights and blown speakers

2007-05-17T00:06:00.000-06:00

I have a couple of lights above my head that are almost going out, but have decided to go down blazing, being like strobe lights. Combining this with looking at a computer screen all day is probably going to make me blind, unless if I'm lucky, in which case I'll be able to shoot laser beams from my eyes! Yeah!

To complete the mostly-coincidential Radiohead reference in the title, my car speakers are slightly blown because of my brother's treachery. (It was originally his car. I suppose he didn't necessarily blow the speakers deliberately and treacherously, but we can all agree that ascribing somebody's innocuous actions to "treachery" is fun...and educational!)

Oh, heh, I decided to crawl out of my shell and accidentally make a friend this morning. Soon after waking up, my cell phone exhorted me to "buy these shoes (you'll jump higher!)." As every retired naval officer knows, this meant a text message. This one was from a stranger! "It's National Good Looking Day! Send this to someone gorgeous and sexy. But don't send it back to me, I've been getting this message all freaking day." Thanks, I particularly enjoy random appraisals of my beauty from people who are possibly 43-year-old stubble-y truckers!* With this in mind, I replied "Who the devil are you?!" As it happens, though, this person thought I was her cousin (I'm not), who apparently had the same number as me. And this person being gregarious started up a conversation, at the end of which I reluctantly told her of my facebook. So now we've opened a correspondence; her citizens are allowed to use my ports and there are favorable duties on most goods. Still, who knows what could happen? I'm starting a pool, and I'm going to guess "more or less nothing."

I used the term "friend" above, and I just remembered that I was going to post about my "friend vs. associate" theory. But I didn't, and I don't feel like writing too much more tonight. Tune in...uh, sooner or later.

* It's common knowledge that every person you don't know on the Internet is actually a 40something greasy male who still lives with his parents and wears women's underwear. Especially if they are posing as young women. So, it's not too much of a stretch to apply this to mysterious text-messaging people.

Sadistic theory of blogging

2007-05-11T23:38:00.000-06:00

Like most of you, I have no talent for creativity. So I asked krebscout to give me ideas for a blog post. She suggested, and I quote: "work, life, milk, and/or heavy metal." In an effort to deliberately create a lousy post so that magically a good one will come out, I've decided to combine two of these and make 'em the worst blog post ever. Namely, osmium being in milk.

Osmium is a pretty heavy metal! When you look at a mountain and the ore contained therein (or, as I like to do, look downwards at the ground to the metallic core of the earth), you just might be fixing your gaze at churlish iron and vulgar tin cowering before the mighty osmium. Or maybe it's the other way around: gold snickers "Where ya headed, tubbo?" when osmium is mined, and even uranium is picked for teams in P.E. before poor no. 76. Granted, uranium commands a certain respect due to the whole "look at me wrong and I'll blast some gamma rays on your kneecaps!" thing, but maybe life is hard for osmium.

So you have isolation and loneliness from being the best on one hand, or ridicule and weakness on the other. What would you do? Personally, I shout with the combined voices of the children of America: "Jump into milk, creating trace amounts of myself that could be poisonous!!" Hence, osmium in milk.

Man, that really was silly. I'd ask for your forgiveness, but I don't think I will. I've got angry Japanese people to talk to.

Edit: Yes, I DO realize that this is a pretty dumb post. But, like rock'n'roll bands and Orville Redenbacher, I have to appease the masses by pushing out large quantities of product.

Note to self

2007-05-11T19:13:00.000-06:00

Don't do Flying Atomic Punches on your be-castered chair with a wall between your oddly protruding knee and your foe.

"Great baby! Delicious!"

2007-05-09T00:41:00.000-06:00

I'm not too conscious right now. But I figure that if I give my blog a new, rather ugly color scheme, I should also make a post.

Today's theme is...Awkwardness.

My buddy thirdmango and I have shared a fair amount of social situations. It is clear that we are marked by a particular mark. We can, merely by exercising our native talents, cause shuddering dread to even the most hardy of opponents. If we wholeheartedly focus our powers, we can cause the destruction of entire civilizations. Is this blessing, or curse? One can only guess. But I'd probably guess "curse."

Yesterday...I guess "two days ago," because it's now 12:46 ..., I demonstrated one principle of controlled awkwardness to a female coworker (with her permission, of course). That was Proximity, perhaps one of the most simultaneously basic yet destructive techniques known to our kind. It isn't necessary to have every inch of the body close to the victim's body; in fact, only my legs were close enough to have any effect, and what an effect it was! But then when my "team leader" (probably a mini-boss that doesn't get paid more than me) came to work, I sneakily whispered "check this out" and approached him, a menacing gleam in my eyes. For you see, the previous demonstration had made me bloodthirsty. So I pulled the dreaded "your pockets are not personal space" move, which is deadly in and of itself. Then I utilized Principle 2: Lingering Eye Contact.

One can destroy the body with weapons, but only awkwardness can destroy the mind.

Eat photons, smallheads!

2007-05-07T23:06:00.000-06:00

I don't write for the 100 Hour Board, but I play one on TV. A 100 Hour Board, that is.

The reason I bring this up is that many of my friends who blog are affiliated, or have been affiliated, with the Board. Thus, you who read this must think "Hey, he's related to the Board!" Which is not true. Jerks.

So today's subject is respect. Specifically, self-respect. Where is the line between being a good friend and having no self-respect? I guess I should give some background. How far does the law of "love thy neighbor" bind me in situations where I keep my promises to a person, often go out of my way to talk with them or invite them to things with not much in the way of return?

Yes, I have somebody in mind. How could you tell? And it's a g-g-g-girl. And having a crush on said girl makes me foolish and not ubermensch-ish. Sure, I don't really care about fulfilling Nietzsche's dreams. But this girl either doesn't realize how much it frustrates me and is doing this unconsciously, or she knows that she does it and can't help it. (I guess I need to protect my ego by excluding "She hates my guts" as a possibility.) This leads me to say "If she doesn't respect me with her actions (regardless of what her motives are), I need to supply that respect myself."

So I need friends that respect me as I respect them...or I guess I should say that I already have them, but they're out of reach, since I work all the time. And my id pops in and says "Plus you need attractive, available female friends!! For the dating!!"

I should name my id.